He plonked them down on the table, opened them up and went off for more gear. I took a quick look at what sort of music he’d got, as you do, then went back into the dining room.

“Your DJ’s just turned up”

“That’s a relief”

“He’s wearing leather trousers”

“You’re kidding”

“And he’s got Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits with him”

“Oh sure he has …”

But he certainly did have. Whether or not he played it I have no idea, but what’s really burned into my memory of him is the fetching blue vinyl banner with the big bright yellow text which he fastened across the front of his rig by way of a little shameless promotion. It just looked so tacky, and to this day I still don’t no why nobody told him to take it down.

Thankfully that kind of stunt is usually pulled only by your bottom-feeder DJ’s, but to my way of thinking it’s really bad form for any professional at a wedding to blatantly advertise their services – and that includes anybody leaving little piles of business cards lying around.

So where is this leading? To a makeup girl wearing a black tee shirt with the the firm’s name on the front in very large white lettering, which looks naff beyond belief in the bridal prep pictures. That’s where.

Thankfully that wasn’t at one of our weddings, but why oh why do brides put up with this crassness? Why does a bride faced with a walking billboard makeup girl not take one look at her and go ballistic? Why do we never hear of any best man making himself useful by applying a liberal coat of thick black paint to the illuminated advert on the front of Dynamic Dave’s Demon Disco just before the first dance?

And as for florists wrapping bouquets in paper upon which is writ large their business name in bright colours visible at 25 yards in low light so that when they’re presented to the mums during the speeches everybody can make a note of who made them …

Kiddie-centric weddings like that are usually great fun, because the couple themselves are big on kids. Hence the masses of them at the wedding, at which it usually seems that all the bride’s friends are pregnant and there’s at least one high-chair at every table. Invariably the whole thing works very well and a great time is had by all.

On the other hand we have weddings where the number of kids present is totally irrelevant because they’re all so well behaved. They don’t be a distraction during the ceremony, and they don’t run amok during the reception. They’re just there, at least they are until you realise just before the meal that all the younger ones have been secreted away by their parents and you never noticed.

This second type used to be known as disco weddings on account of all the Land Rover Discoveries in the car park. They’re characterised by chaps wearing their own morning suits that are covered in dog hairs, and there’s always a bridesmaid called Tiggy. In other words, people who know how to behave and who make damned sure their kids do too.

So what about all those weddings where the couple aren’t big on kids but they couldn’t exactly ban them? Just what is it with the parents who take kids to those weddings – the ones whose little darling is the epicentre of their universe and does exactly what it wants, whether at home or at somebody’s wedding?

Why when their pride and joy starts yelling during the ceremony do they just start bouncing it up and down? Why, if they do eventually rise from their seat, do they just go to the back of the church and stand there with their screaming infant instead of taking it outside and sorting it out?

Why do they park their pushchairs in the most convenient places for them, rather than the least inconvenient for everybody else? Why do they take them into the dining room to clutter it up still further when there are already high-chairs provided?

Why do parents of young children so often hold up the taking of a group photo by deciding to take their kid to the toilet as soon as they’re told that it’s needed for a picture right now? And when the little horror is finally persuaded into position, why does its mother then always try to screw up the shot by looking down to check that junior’s looking at the camera at the very same moment that I press the button?

Why do they think it’s cool to let their little attention-seeker run around and annoy people during the speeches, or creep along the top table and take up position alongside the bride, who, instead of telling it right away to clear off back to its mother and stay there, does nothing and consequently has the child featured right alongside her, often pulling silly faces, in all the pictures of the speeches?

Best of all though are the proud parents who stand there smiling benevolently while their little pride and joy makes a spectacle of itself right there on the dance floor alongside the couple during their first dance.

What is needed is for parents intent upon taking their offspring to a wedding to sign a solemn undertaking that on the day, upon receiving a frosty look from either bride, groom or any of their parents, they will leave the proceedings forthwith and take offending child with them.

A crèche should also be provided, the cost being split between the parents of all children attending. Those parents could be invited to enclose their cheque towards it when replying to the bride and groom’s kind invitation to the wedding, and hopefully this would persuade them to leave their kids at home for the day …